does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
