I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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