I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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