Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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