I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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