Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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