I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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