The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
