I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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