i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
