I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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