Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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