Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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