Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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