this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
