god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
