OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
