Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
