Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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