Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
