at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
