My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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