We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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