My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
