i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
