Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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