Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I smell like Dick and happiness
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
