genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
