Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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