Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
