You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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