i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
