I don't usually arrange sex via text message
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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