If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
