He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
