He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
