You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
