I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
