How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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