I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
