moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
