You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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