He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
