i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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