So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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