i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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