i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
