Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
