brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
