She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
