I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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